An Apology
People of Britain, I am apologising to you on behalf of all at NHS Direct, the NHS as a whole, and the UK Government. I am sorry we have robbed you of your coping skills, I apologise most humbly for destroying your critical thinking abilities, and wholeheartedly wish we could consign the last ten years to Room 101.
Yours, SSM.
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OK, seriously. What the fuck have we done to the people of Great Britain? My little, tiny multiple choice quiz will test your powers of reasoning.
1) Your toddler has a temperature of 37.2C. He has no symptoms, he does not feel unwell, he is playing, and chatting away. What should you do?
a) Open a window, make sure he's lightly dressed and drinking plenty of fluids
b) Monitor the situation, keep watch for any emerging symptoms as a raised temp. can often be a sign of underlying problems
c) Ensure your kid is wrapped from head-to-toe in woolly clothes and blankets, turn the heating up to full, then call NHS Direct. Scream and shout about meningitis, threaten to go to the papers because you're given a 20 minute callback time, then hang up and go to A&E
2) Your teenage daughter calls. She's been to your mum's house for tea with her grandparents. She's worried, Gran's had a chest infection for three weeks, but today her skin looks grey, and her lips and nose are blue. She seems to be struggling for breath. You live next door to them, what should you do?
a) Wait four hours and phone your own GP. Then phone your mum's GP. Then phone NHS Direct, complain that it's taken fifteen minutes to get through, ramble about your own granddaughter's recent measles scare, fail to answer questions directly, don't disclose that you live next door to your mother, then laugh when you're told the symptoms are very serious.
b) Go and see your mum immediately, confirm what your daughter has told you, and then call for help if necessary.
c) Dial 999
3) Your 4 year old has just come in from the garden, he's eaten a bit of mud after his big sister dared him to do it. He's upset, he trusted her and it was nasty! Oh my, what to do?
a) Comfort him, tell Big Sis to apologise and give him a cuddle, remember to tell all his future girlfriends about it.
b) Freak out. Strap the boy into his car-seat, phone NHS Direct on your way to A&E, scream "DO SOMETHING!" frequently, try and induce vomiting.
c) Keep an eye on the nipper, try and take his mind off it, these things happen, big sisters can be evil!
Now, these things seem like common knowledge to me. If your answers were 1C, 2A and 3B then I fear for you. These are all real examples from the last week at work. 1 and 3 actually happen every single shift.
Sorry Britain. We didn't mean to make you a nation of idiots, we were only trying to help. Can you forgive us?
Yours, SSM.
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OK, seriously. What the fuck have we done to the people of Great Britain? My little, tiny multiple choice quiz will test your powers of reasoning.
1) Your toddler has a temperature of 37.2C. He has no symptoms, he does not feel unwell, he is playing, and chatting away. What should you do?
a) Open a window, make sure he's lightly dressed and drinking plenty of fluids
b) Monitor the situation, keep watch for any emerging symptoms as a raised temp. can often be a sign of underlying problems
c) Ensure your kid is wrapped from head-to-toe in woolly clothes and blankets, turn the heating up to full, then call NHS Direct. Scream and shout about meningitis, threaten to go to the papers because you're given a 20 minute callback time, then hang up and go to A&E
2) Your teenage daughter calls. She's been to your mum's house for tea with her grandparents. She's worried, Gran's had a chest infection for three weeks, but today her skin looks grey, and her lips and nose are blue. She seems to be struggling for breath. You live next door to them, what should you do?
a) Wait four hours and phone your own GP. Then phone your mum's GP. Then phone NHS Direct, complain that it's taken fifteen minutes to get through, ramble about your own granddaughter's recent measles scare, fail to answer questions directly, don't disclose that you live next door to your mother, then laugh when you're told the symptoms are very serious.
b) Go and see your mum immediately, confirm what your daughter has told you, and then call for help if necessary.
c) Dial 999
3) Your 4 year old has just come in from the garden, he's eaten a bit of mud after his big sister dared him to do it. He's upset, he trusted her and it was nasty! Oh my, what to do?
a) Comfort him, tell Big Sis to apologise and give him a cuddle, remember to tell all his future girlfriends about it.
b) Freak out. Strap the boy into his car-seat, phone NHS Direct on your way to A&E, scream "DO SOMETHING!" frequently, try and induce vomiting.
c) Keep an eye on the nipper, try and take his mind off it, these things happen, big sisters can be evil!
Now, these things seem like common knowledge to me. If your answers were 1C, 2A and 3B then I fear for you. These are all real examples from the last week at work. 1 and 3 actually happen every single shift.
Sorry Britain. We didn't mean to make you a nation of idiots, we were only trying to help. Can you forgive us?
I'm just comforted by the fact that I'm not the only person who is disturbed by the amount of stupid people in the world.
Posted by
Mr Mans Wife |
3:31 am
Where are all the left over and spare brains being kept?
Posted by
Rosey |
5:14 pm
Dear Sad minion,
I am dead, is this terminal ?
regards
Posted by
E |
6:55 pm
What is very scarey is that they breed. Lots.
Posted by
Iain MacBain - or maybe not!!?? |
8:52 pm
mmw - I've been known to cry all the way home at the futility of it all!
rosey - if you find out, pleaaase let me know!
e - Sorry, but yes, dead is forever. My condolences to your loved ones!
iain - Tell me about it. "Oh I don't remember all their dates of birth, I've got six!" Wah!
Posted by
Sick Sad Minion |
10:04 pm
How about this one. This is an actual call I dealt with last week.
Woman calls about her 6 month old baby...
"I've been looking through all the family pictures of [insert name] and the rest of the family. I've noticed that [insert name] is the only child in the pictures with red eyes. Is this a sign that she has eye cancer?"
Posted by
Dory |
10:27 pm
*sobs* I've had the same thing! I know if one eye is always an odd colour in photos then it can indicate problems, but the lady probably just needs a softer flash!
I love it when you get those calls that just make you go "Huh?" and shake your head in utter disbelief!
Posted by
Sick Sad Minion |
10:32 pm
Retinoblastoma - one eye appears to be white in a photograph.
Do I never stop being at work? *Sigh*
Posted by
Dory |
11:28 pm
I was going to mention Retinoblastoma, I once did a plcement with a Rb clinic. There was a thing in the papers a little while ago about the grandmother who savd her child's life because she noticed a white eye in a photograph, or something along those lines. Mum probably read that forgot the details and misremembered them.
Dory, did you suggest she use the Red Eye Reduction funcion on her camera next time?
Posted by
Angela |
6:01 pm
Yep, retinoblastoma was what I was thinking of. I'd have been tempted to tell her that 2 red eyes means the kid's possessed or something!
Posted by
Sick Sad Minion |
6:06 pm
Angela - I only wish I was allowed to!!! NHS Direct being the font of all photography knowledge??!! The Daily Mail would have a field day...
Oops, sorry for hijacking your comments box S.S.M...
Posted by
Dory |
9:35 pm
Haha don't worry about it Dory! Nice to see I'm not the only one living in fear of the Daily Mail!
Posted by
Sick Sad Minion |
12:33 am
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