Beauty and the Bitch
It is an unerring law of Nature that any man left within 100ft of feminine beauty products will be compelled to try them. This inevitably leads to disaster for them, and amusement for everyone else.
Mr Smooth
11pm on a dull Thursday night. The familiar 'beep' sounds in my ear, signifying a call. I introduce myself, noting the background noise on the call, it sounds like a wolf being alternately drowned and garrotted. A female voice comes on the line, her tone calm, totally at odds with the background noise. Was she a sociopathic fiend, intent on wreaking vengeance on her male acquaintances?
"I'm calling about my boyfriend. I fell asleep after supper, this left him to his own devices. I realise this was a mistake. I woke up because I heard him screaming upstairs, I was terrified. He was naked with his er... testicles in the bathroom sink. The stupid sod had decided to 'surprise' me. He slathered his bloody balls with Immac, it's been on for 20 minutes! Can you hear him? Prat. Anyway, I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help him, I mean, you wouldn't let a dog suffer like that, would you?"
I managed to remain calm, professional, and snigger-free until I had to ask the question "Is the affected area larger than the size of the patient's hand?", at which point the caller and myself dissolved into giggles. Her answer?
"He likes to think so"
Ouch.
Dire Straighteners
Saturdays are rubbish. In Summer it's wasp stings and sunburn, in Winter it's colds and sore throats. Blech. After ascertaining that the windows wouldn't open wide enough for me to leap to my freedom, I decided to carry on taking calls.
"Hiya, my name's Ziggy, I've got a bit of a problem. I've got this really bad burn on my forehead, and it hurts.like you wouldn't believe. Can someone give me some advice about treating it? Hope I don't have to go to hospital or anything."
So I asked him how he'd burned himself, obviously different types of burns are treated differently. A chemical burn is quite different than a scald for example.
"Don't laugh, please don't laugh. My girlfriend's at work today and I'm dead bored, my mates are all out on the piss and I'm skint. I thought I'd kill some time playing on my XBox but it's no fun on my own. You know those things girls straighten their hair with? Well Julie got some new ones, dunno why 'cos she's got about three pairs, so I thought I'd see what's so great about them. I tried to straighten my fringe 'cos it's a bit curly and gets on my nerves, but I've gone and bloody burnt my face now! God, Julie's going to take the piss out of me forever *groan*"
Poor lad. I took his details and promised him a nurse would call him back. However, although I couldn't give him medical advice I did tell him to start straightening his hair about an inch away from his scalp. Not only would this help him to avoid future burns, it would also stop his hair looking lank and floppy!
St Valentines Day Massacre
Picture it, a Sunday night, quarter to eleven. Not much happening, a lot of toddlers with diarrhoea and women with period pains. My Kingdom for an interesting call.
"Oh my God this is awful, you have to help us, we don't know what to do! My boyfriend decided to shave himself..um.. 'down there' with my razor and he's cut himself, there's blood EVERYWHERE! He won't let me call an ambulance 'cos the hospital will send for his Dad, oh no, please help!"
Any attempt I made to get her to describe the injury only made her cry "I'm not putting my hands on his.. y'know..his...!"
The young couple in question were both fifteen. The boy had been bleeding for over an hour and was feeling pretty rough. I transferred them to one of our brilliant nurses, Carol, who tried her best to help them deal with this sticky situation. She managed to get the girl to assess the injury, and after some persuasion to call her boyfriend's Dad to take them to A&E. So everything was OK in the end!
Lads, let these stories be a warning to you. If you're going to do it, do it properly!
Mr Smooth
11pm on a dull Thursday night. The familiar 'beep' sounds in my ear, signifying a call. I introduce myself, noting the background noise on the call, it sounds like a wolf being alternately drowned and garrotted. A female voice comes on the line, her tone calm, totally at odds with the background noise. Was she a sociopathic fiend, intent on wreaking vengeance on her male acquaintances?
"I'm calling about my boyfriend. I fell asleep after supper, this left him to his own devices. I realise this was a mistake. I woke up because I heard him screaming upstairs, I was terrified. He was naked with his er... testicles in the bathroom sink. The stupid sod had decided to 'surprise' me. He slathered his bloody balls with Immac, it's been on for 20 minutes! Can you hear him? Prat. Anyway, I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help him, I mean, you wouldn't let a dog suffer like that, would you?"
I managed to remain calm, professional, and snigger-free until I had to ask the question "Is the affected area larger than the size of the patient's hand?", at which point the caller and myself dissolved into giggles. Her answer?
"He likes to think so"
Ouch.
Dire Straighteners
Saturdays are rubbish. In Summer it's wasp stings and sunburn, in Winter it's colds and sore throats. Blech. After ascertaining that the windows wouldn't open wide enough for me to leap to my freedom, I decided to carry on taking calls.
"Hiya, my name's Ziggy, I've got a bit of a problem. I've got this really bad burn on my forehead, and it hurts.like you wouldn't believe. Can someone give me some advice about treating it? Hope I don't have to go to hospital or anything."
So I asked him how he'd burned himself, obviously different types of burns are treated differently. A chemical burn is quite different than a scald for example.
"Don't laugh, please don't laugh. My girlfriend's at work today and I'm dead bored, my mates are all out on the piss and I'm skint. I thought I'd kill some time playing on my XBox but it's no fun on my own. You know those things girls straighten their hair with? Well Julie got some new ones, dunno why 'cos she's got about three pairs, so I thought I'd see what's so great about them. I tried to straighten my fringe 'cos it's a bit curly and gets on my nerves, but I've gone and bloody burnt my face now! God, Julie's going to take the piss out of me forever *groan*"
Poor lad. I took his details and promised him a nurse would call him back. However, although I couldn't give him medical advice I did tell him to start straightening his hair about an inch away from his scalp. Not only would this help him to avoid future burns, it would also stop his hair looking lank and floppy!
St Valentines Day Massacre
Picture it, a Sunday night, quarter to eleven. Not much happening, a lot of toddlers with diarrhoea and women with period pains. My Kingdom for an interesting call.
"Oh my God this is awful, you have to help us, we don't know what to do! My boyfriend decided to shave himself..um.. 'down there' with my razor and he's cut himself, there's blood EVERYWHERE! He won't let me call an ambulance 'cos the hospital will send for his Dad, oh no, please help!"
Any attempt I made to get her to describe the injury only made her cry "I'm not putting my hands on his.. y'know..his...!"
The young couple in question were both fifteen. The boy had been bleeding for over an hour and was feeling pretty rough. I transferred them to one of our brilliant nurses, Carol, who tried her best to help them deal with this sticky situation. She managed to get the girl to assess the injury, and after some persuasion to call her boyfriend's Dad to take them to A&E. So everything was OK in the end!
Lads, let these stories be a warning to you. If you're going to do it, do it properly!
I had a friend of a friends cousin - you know - that managed to cut his sack with his hair clippers.
it was sore. wonder how often this happens.
Posted by
Iain MacBain - or maybe not!!?? |
7:02 pm
More often than you'd think! I get calls at least once a month from guys who've done it. They're usually talking is hushed tones so that the missus doesn't find out!
Posted by
Sick Sad Minion |
7:05 pm
I googled "beuty and the bitch."
Can I guess that you just stumbled upon the title of a porn movie. If not, is it any good.
Posted by
Iain MacBain - or maybe not!!?? |
3:57 am
*giggles* Is it now? Haven't seen it. I bet I could chuck any 4 words together and there'd be porn with that name!
Posted by
Sick Sad Minion |
4:08 am
It just goes to show that there are some curiosities those of us of the male persuasion should, under no circumstances, attempt to satisfy.
Ignorance, if not bliss, is safety.
Posted by
KindaBlue |
9:39 pm
Reminds me of the lad I saw in A&E aged 13, with burns on his chest. He'd tried to iron his T-shirt...while wearing it.
At the expression on my face he said "No, no, you don't understand - it was all right until I pressed the steam button."
His dad agreed with me that sympathy was not required.
Posted by
tielserrath |
9:48 pm
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