Introduction
There are some people that seem solely devoted to blaming NHS Direct for all the World's ills. I'm here to redress the balance slightly, open up how my job is done, and hopefully shed some light on what we have to put up with on a daily basis.
I personally deal with basic triage, dental enquiries, dental assessment, interim care advice, NHS directory services etc. You'll see examples of most of these, but the recurring theme will (unfortunately) be dental in origin. That's because we're having a spot of bother in this country with regards to state-funded dentistry. I'll try to mix it up with other stories, so as not to bore you to death, after all you're not getting paid to deal with it, I am.
Without further ado, I present the first installment.
: Good evening, Palace of Pain and Human Suffering. My name's Three Week Migraine and I'm a Health Advisor. Can I please take the telephone number that you're calling from?
Caller: You don't need that, we called.. we called 10 minutes ago. My husband needs a dentist NOW, I MEAN IT!
Me : I can't access his chart without any of his details *already has chart open due to the magic of caller ID*
Caller: HisnameisStupidoMcCandybardateofbirth6thofJune1966
Me: Well I just about got all of that, let me see.. you called five minutes ago about your husband's toothache, yes? What's the problem?
Caller: We were told it would take 15 minutes for someone to call back. If he doesn't get to speak to someone immediately then he's going to take a whole packet of his antidepressants with some vodka. He's very upset.
Me: .............
Me: Could I possibly speak to her?
Caller 2 : Nah she's in too much pain to talk, I keep telling yer.
Me : [explains service, requests that the caller mind his language, and takes patient details, asks ABC questions] How did she hurt her back?
Caller 2 : We were out on the drink the other night. She had a few too many and fell.
[sound of patient in background talking perfectly, telling him not to say that - I try to ignore it]
Me : So.. how many days ago exactly, and has she had any treatment for it?
Caller 2 : About four days ago . She didn't want to go anywhere, she was hungover, and she felt bad because she hadn't taken any [very important anti-seizure meds] so she could drink.
Me : *dies inside* [takes a few more questions, confirms details, gives a call back time of half an hour which I've actually asked permission to shorten from one hour as I'm concerned]
Caller 2 : WHAT?? No fucking WAY!! She's got hold of two of the babbies now, what if she taks a fit and drops them?
*cue assorted moans in the background*
Me: Someone will be in touch very soon. I suggest you put the children somewhere safe, get her to rest until she can get some advice from the nurse, and call back IMMEDIATELY if her condition worsens.
Caller 2 : *grumble, whinge, moan, fucking NHS etc*
I checked later to see what had happened. A nurse had called them within 13 minutes. The original caller claimed the woman had had twenty-seven seizures in that time.
Head - meet carpark three floors down.
Me : Good evening, Sixth Circle of Hades. My names Beelzebub's Minion and I'm a Health Advisor, can I take your telephone number please?
Caller 3 : ROOOAAARRRRR WAAAAAAARGHHHHH MMMNNNGGGGGGFFFFFFFF
Me : Ow. OK. Your TE-LE-PHONE number please?
Caller 3 : WAAAAAAH I've called five times today, I need a dentist NOW!
Me : I still need your telephone number, I can use the one on my caller ID if you don't know it.
Caller 3 : [gives number] This fucking pain is fucking killing me
Me : Hang on while I look at your chart...
Caller 3 : {butts in] I've been calling since 7am and no-one's fucking helping, and it's not toothache it's PAIN!
Me : OK. So you called at 7am and were given an emergency appointment for 8am tomorrow, is that right?
Caller 3 : I can't FUCKING wait that long
Me : Calm down or I'll terminate the call. Now it's a Sunday. There are a very small number of weekend emergency appointments available in your area but they're gone now. If they were gone at 7am today then there won't be anymore until tomorrow. I understand that you're in pain, but honestly, unless it's a situation where you have massive facial trauma or bleeding then you won't be seeing anyone today. You've actually been very lucky to get an appointment for tomorrow
Caller 3 : It's not GOOD ENOUGH. I'm in pain, don't you understand? I've phoned five times today
Me : I know, I have your chart here. However, if you were told at 7am- there were no appointments, 9am - there were no appointments, the same at noon, again at 2pm and once more at 4pm and were told very clearly that there were NO. MORE. APPOINTMENTS. LEFT. THIS. WEEKEND., then why did you think there would be any now? It's nearly midnight!
[the 'five times' bit and the 'no appointments' reply were repeated about seven times, by which point I was almost in tears of frustration]
Caller 3 : *howls of rage, profanity* But my MAN has to look after our children because of this!
Me : [Oh my, how awful for him] If you're not registered with a dentist then there's nothing I can do. You only have just over eight hours left to wait. All I can do is get a nurse to call you with some pain-relief advice
Caller 3 : But they already did that, it didn't work!
Me : Did you follow their advice?
Caller 3 : Well no, I have no paracetamol or anything in the house.
Me : So.. wait.. have you taken anything?
Caller 3 : NO I JUST TOLD YOU!
Me : Nothing, all day? Because if not, that's why it's not WORKING!
I'm happy to answer any genuine questions as to how the service works, what we do and what we're for. So I'm extending this to the public and to other health professionals. Want to know why the callback times are so high? What the stupid questions are for? Why we don't have 60 million GPs and dentists available so that no-one ever goes without? Leave a question in the comments and I'll address it as best I can.
I personally deal with basic triage, dental enquiries, dental assessment, interim care advice, NHS directory services etc. You'll see examples of most of these, but the recurring theme will (unfortunately) be dental in origin. That's because we're having a spot of bother in this country with regards to state-funded dentistry. I'll try to mix it up with other stories, so as not to bore you to death, after all you're not getting paid to deal with it, I am.
Without further ado, I present the first installment.
I have toothache, hear me roar!
: Good evening, Palace of Pain and Human Suffering. My name's Three Week Migraine and I'm a Health Advisor. Can I please take the telephone number that you're calling from?
Caller: You don't need that, we called.. we called 10 minutes ago. My husband needs a dentist NOW, I MEAN IT!
Me : I can't access his chart without any of his details *already has chart open due to the magic of caller ID*
Caller: HisnameisStupidoMcCandybardateofbirth6thofJune1966
Me: Well I just about got all of that, let me see.. you called five minutes ago about your husband's toothache, yes? What's the problem?
Caller: We were told it would take 15 minutes for someone to call back. If he doesn't get to speak to someone immediately then he's going to take a whole packet of his antidepressants with some vodka. He's very upset.
Me: .............
So I had to get a nurse immediately, because some guy who's had toothache for seven months decides to blackmail us. Great start to the shift eh?
Me: Good evening. Theatre of Death and Mortal Misery, we're currently taking calls on behalf of your GP service. How can I help?
Caller 2 : Well the wife's done her back in, she's in fucking agony, she cannot move, she needs a doctor now. She taks fits man, we've got four babbies to look after [my good lady has an epileptiform disorder and stress causes her to have seizures. Who will help me care for our four children if she becomes incapacitated?]
Caller 2 : Well the wife's done her back in, she's in fucking agony, she cannot move, she needs a doctor now. She taks fits man, we've got four babbies to look after [my good lady has an epileptiform disorder and stress causes her to have seizures. Who will help me care for our four children if she becomes incapacitated?]
Me: Could I possibly speak to her?
Caller 2 : Nah she's in too much pain to talk, I keep telling yer.
Me : [explains service, requests that the caller mind his language, and takes patient details, asks ABC questions] How did she hurt her back?
Caller 2 : We were out on the drink the other night. She had a few too many and fell.
[sound of patient in background talking perfectly, telling him not to say that - I try to ignore it]
Me : So.. how many days ago exactly, and has she had any treatment for it?
Caller 2 : About four days ago . She didn't want to go anywhere, she was hungover, and she felt bad because she hadn't taken any [very important anti-seizure meds] so she could drink.
Me : *dies inside* [takes a few more questions, confirms details, gives a call back time of half an hour which I've actually asked permission to shorten from one hour as I'm concerned]
Caller 2 : WHAT?? No fucking WAY!! She's got hold of two of the babbies now, what if she taks a fit and drops them?
*cue assorted moans in the background*
Me: Someone will be in touch very soon. I suggest you put the children somewhere safe, get her to rest until she can get some advice from the nurse, and call back IMMEDIATELY if her condition worsens.
Caller 2 : *grumble, whinge, moan, fucking NHS etc*
I checked later to see what had happened. A nurse had called them within 13 minutes. The original caller claimed the woman had had twenty-seven seizures in that time.
Head - meet carpark three floors down.
Me : Good evening, Sixth Circle of Hades. My names Beelzebub's Minion and I'm a Health Advisor, can I take your telephone number please?
Caller 3 : ROOOAAARRRRR WAAAAAAARGHHHHH MMMNNNGGGGGGFFFFFFFF
Me : Ow. OK. Your TE-LE-PHONE number please?
Caller 3 : WAAAAAAH I've called five times today, I need a dentist NOW!
Me : I still need your telephone number, I can use the one on my caller ID if you don't know it.
Caller 3 : [gives number] This fucking pain is fucking killing me
Me : Hang on while I look at your chart...
Caller 3 : {butts in] I've been calling since 7am and no-one's fucking helping, and it's not toothache it's PAIN!
Me : OK. So you called at 7am and were given an emergency appointment for 8am tomorrow, is that right?
Caller 3 : I can't FUCKING wait that long
Me : Calm down or I'll terminate the call. Now it's a Sunday. There are a very small number of weekend emergency appointments available in your area but they're gone now. If they were gone at 7am today then there won't be anymore until tomorrow. I understand that you're in pain, but honestly, unless it's a situation where you have massive facial trauma or bleeding then you won't be seeing anyone today. You've actually been very lucky to get an appointment for tomorrow
Caller 3 : It's not GOOD ENOUGH. I'm in pain, don't you understand? I've phoned five times today
Me : I know, I have your chart here. However, if you were told at 7am- there were no appointments, 9am - there were no appointments, the same at noon, again at 2pm and once more at 4pm and were told very clearly that there were NO. MORE. APPOINTMENTS. LEFT. THIS. WEEKEND., then why did you think there would be any now? It's nearly midnight!
[the 'five times' bit and the 'no appointments' reply were repeated about seven times, by which point I was almost in tears of frustration]
Caller 3 : *howls of rage, profanity* But my MAN has to look after our children because of this!
Me : [Oh my, how awful for him] If you're not registered with a dentist then there's nothing I can do. You only have just over eight hours left to wait. All I can do is get a nurse to call you with some pain-relief advice
Caller 3 : But they already did that, it didn't work!
Me : Did you follow their advice?
Caller 3 : Well no, I have no paracetamol or anything in the house.
Me : So.. wait.. have you taken anything?
Caller 3 : NO I JUST TOLD YOU!
Me : Nothing, all day? Because if not, that's why it's not WORKING!
She then told me she intended to go to her local A&E, I told her not to bother as this was neither an accident nor an emergency situation, the clue's in the name, see? At that point I started to lose all hope in humanity, and advised the caller that she'd be better off waiting, and gave her the details of several dentists she could register with after her EDS appointment. When I was searching for her chart I found a duplicate chart with slightly different identifying details, where she'd posed as someone else at 3pm and 5pm to try and get an appointment. She certainly gets an award for her persistence. The prize? I'll take suggestions!
I'm happy to answer any genuine questions as to how the service works, what we do and what we're for. So I'm extending this to the public and to other health professionals. Want to know why the callback times are so high? What the stupid questions are for? Why we don't have 60 million GPs and dentists available so that no-one ever goes without? Leave a question in the comments and I'll address it as best I can.
Sick, Sad Minion
Enjoyed your Blog and you have my every sympathy.
As a Dentist I can assure you that many people do not follow good advice given, perhaps taking antibiotics and simply wait until they get acute toothache again, then blame everyone else for their problems, but especially Dentists!
It is of course always a pleasure to treat those with genuine need and who listen to advice and start to look after their mouths much better after getting things fixed properly as advised.
Ultimately Dentists, like NHS Direct, are doing their best with the very limited Government resources given and neither of us can produce miracles.
Keep blogging away :)
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6:05 pm
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